Learn to Say 'No!'

Photo by Horia Varlan

Our time is not our own. No matter how much we may think we are in control of our own lives, we rely too much on others and let them rely on us to fully be our own boss. Think of the things you do for your boss, your partner, your children, your friends. You may spend hours a week, or per day, taking care of others' needs instead of your own. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. You get the same in return from those around you, it's a give and take system. And your time is a gift to those you love.

But sometimes the people around us require too much. More than we can give. They may ask you for a favor you don't want to perform, or for time you simply don't have. In those cases, it's best to just come out with a plain old 'No.'

Saying 'no' is not easy. We are confronted with a lot of feelings, such as guilt or shame, that we would prefer to avoid if possible. So, instead of saying 'no', we opt for 'yes' despite the fact that we may not really have the time or the ability to give in to the request. 

But even if you have spared yourself from the awkwardness of the situation, and of those undesirable feelings, you are now stuck with a promise you made that you may have to break. As I wrote before, breaking a promise is much more damaging to a relationship than turning down a request right away. Once you have committed to something, you should try your very best to follow up on that commitment.

So how do you say 'no' without all these negative feelings? How do you just deny your loved one what they ask for without it eating up you inside? Try to keep the following questions in mind when you're deciding on what to say:

1. Is it of vital importance to this person that I agree?
2. Is there anyone else who could take my place?
3. How much will my refusal or denial hurt the relationship?
4. Am I breaking a previous commitment by either saying 'yes' or 'no'? (to this person or to someone else.)

 If you need more time, you can always say you need to check your schedule. But I do recommend giving an answer as quickly as possible. It's no use fretting over what you're going to say for days, and feeling miserable the whole time. Just get it over with.

How do you feel about saying 'no' when someone asks you for help, or when you are invited to a party? Do you ever want to refuse but end up going anyways?