On Being Ignored

Picture by Michael Westley

Today, as I took the bus home from school, I saw two American girls on there that I have noticed before. I've met them once at a party, but we never really talked.Still, it's quite common for foreigners in Yantai to greet each other without ever having met before and strike up a random conversation, so imagine my surprise when I looked at them and they didn't look back but kept on chatting! I took my seat, and at the next stop they got off, walking by me as if I didn't exist (or was just another Chinese person they'd never met before).

The whole thing seemed kind of ridiculous, and I couldn't help wondering the rest of the way home, why they didn't acknowledge that I was there. Perhaps they don't really remember me and feel awkward; perhaps they are severely Euro-phobic, perhaps they thought I wasn't one of the cool crowd, etc. The ideas became gradually more ridiculous.

So next time you find yourself in a similar situation, do what I did in the end: absolutely nothing!
Unless you have a sure way of finding out why someone is ignoring you, just stop worrying about it. Clearly you were not meant to be great friends, and you may not be losing out on much not getting better acquianted with this person. 

Whatever someone may or may not think about you is often more of a reflection of them, than it is of you. You have little to do with other people's perceptions, because that's what they are: perceptions. They are not reality. 

After I gave up trying to figure out why I was being ignored, I looked around and saw how many people do notice me every day: The lady who gave up her seat for me, friends who pass me on their bicycles, students that see me from far away. It can be unsettling to find someone ignore you, but I'm sure it's the exception! 

Learn to Say 'No!'

Photo by Horia Varlan

Our time is not our own. No matter how much we may think we are in control of our own lives, we rely too much on others and let them rely on us to fully be our own boss. Think of the things you do for your boss, your partner, your children, your friends. You may spend hours a week, or per day, taking care of others' needs instead of your own. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. You get the same in return from those around you, it's a give and take system. And your time is a gift to those you love.

But sometimes the people around us require too much. More than we can give. They may ask you for a favor you don't want to perform, or for time you simply don't have. In those cases, it's best to just come out with a plain old 'No.'

Saying 'no' is not easy. We are confronted with a lot of feelings, such as guilt or shame, that we would prefer to avoid if possible. So, instead of saying 'no', we opt for 'yes' despite the fact that we may not really have the time or the ability to give in to the request. 

But even if you have spared yourself from the awkwardness of the situation, and of those undesirable feelings, you are now stuck with a promise you made that you may have to break. As I wrote before, breaking a promise is much more damaging to a relationship than turning down a request right away. Once you have committed to something, you should try your very best to follow up on that commitment.

So how do you say 'no' without all these negative feelings? How do you just deny your loved one what they ask for without it eating up you inside? Try to keep the following questions in mind when you're deciding on what to say:

1. Is it of vital importance to this person that I agree?
2. Is there anyone else who could take my place?
3. How much will my refusal or denial hurt the relationship?
4. Am I breaking a previous commitment by either saying 'yes' or 'no'? (to this person or to someone else.)

 If you need more time, you can always say you need to check your schedule. But I do recommend giving an answer as quickly as possible. It's no use fretting over what you're going to say for days, and feeling miserable the whole time. Just get it over with.

How do you feel about saying 'no' when someone asks you for help, or when you are invited to a party? Do you ever want to refuse but end up going anyways? 

Worry Work

Picture by Brian Rosen

I'm a bit of a worrywart. I try to be carefree and casual, but in the end I can't stop myself from imagining worst case scenarios. The hubby is 20 minutes late? He must have gotten hit by a bus (not an unlikely scenario in China), and of course, if he didn't get killed instantly, he doesn't have a phone and speaks no Chinese, so he's probably in a coma and in a hospital somewhere in the city where I will never find him.
I've gotten better over the years, but it's still difficult to quiet those voices in my head. So I've stopped trying. Now, I just try to calm myself by using my worrying to my advantage.

I know I'm going to worry, there's no going around it. But why do we do it? Maybe because we're afraid of something that is so devastating and unexpected, it would destroy our life. Completely. If something would ever happen to my hubby, I can't imagine what I would do!


Or wait ... . Maybe that's the problem. What if I use this worrying impulse to find out what I would do in case something did happen.
You can use your worst case scenarios in your mind to plan for possible emergencies. Using your worrying instinct this way makes sure that it isn't a complete waste of energy. And you get the reassurance of realizing that, just in case, life wouldn't come to an end if the unthinkable happened.


WARNING: In case you're not someone to worry much, and imagining these scenarios completely freaks you out, take it in small steps (or don't do this at all). It's much less stressing to imagine your undies turning pink due to a red sock in your machine than your house catching fire. But it's good to have a plan in either case.

We worry because we care. And that is all the more reason to make sure we're prepared for any situation that may arise. Doesn't knowing what you should do when the plane goes down make you feel safer already?
What is something you worry about? What would you do if the worst possible scenario came true?