To Be or Not To Be a Parent: 5 Things to Consider Before Having Children

Picture by Sam Stearman

On the fence or having doubts about having children? You're probably right. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING! And it's better to think about it over and over and be completely sure, before you take the first step on the most important journey of your life (and that of your partner and the child(ren) you're thinking about having).
Several women in my life have told me they do not want to have children, and I have nothing but respect for their choice. I love being a mother, but it's not an easy job! I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be if I didn't happen to love it.

Below are five things to run through your mind when deciding whether or not to have children. It's a personal list, so feel free to add or subtract in comments below!

1. Why do you want to have children?
   Probably the most important question to ask yourself is "Why?". There's no right or wrong answer. Just asking the question will clarify things for yourself.
   For example: when we were thinking about it I found research that said that couples without children are happier than those with children. I knew, however, that I wanted a life with as much of the human experience as possible, both good and bad, and that children were a part of that.
   
2. What are your expectations?The worse the better! I'm serious. If you're expecting to get covered in poop while being exhausted and going crazy over a screaming newborn, you're likely to really appreciate the moments your little bundle of joy is sleeping peacefully. If you're expecting to get lots of writing done while your baby is sleeping (um, yes, I thought that would happen) think again!
   
3. What's your baby experience?
   Have you ever looked after a baby for a couple of hours, a whole day? It can throw a clear light on the whole matter. My sister decided to wait a while after she spent some time with our family and saw how much a child can determine your day-to-day activities.
   
4. Can you give it all up?
   A clean house, romantic breakfasts, peaceful evenings, clean clothes, dinner with friends, day-trips, weekends, hobbies? They'll all go out the window, at least for the first few years (depending on how many children you have, and what they're like). Make sure your relationship can taken some shaking too, because tired and grumpy partners are hard to live with.
   
5. Are you in it for the long run?
   I know, it's cliche advice, but in the end if you're heart is in it, all the rest will work itself out. Children grow up fast and before you know it, they're leaving you and you'll be tearing up over it (so I've heard). You don't need tons of money, a house, a car to have a baby. You'll learn to function on less sleep than you thought possible and on a less than existent social life. And the love you feel for this one person becomes the overpowering reason for your existence.

Does that sound like paradise? Then you may just be ready to have children. Remember to take all advice with a grain of salt (including this) and follow your instincts. If all other mammals can keep their cubs, young, piglets or calves alive, I'm sure you'll do just fine!

Soothing a Sick Child

J. Bond Francisco

My little girl was sick last week. Two nights of no sleep took their toll on both baby and Mama (and Daddy too, actually) so the time was right for some reminders of how to keep everyone as sane as possible while going through the roughest patch.

A sick child is a different child. Their character changes, but all this is to reflect their new needs. These are some of the things I did to help my little girl feel as well as she could:

A sick child wants to be with someone all the time. If you think about it, that makes perfect sense. When being sick, you need to be nurtured back to health, so being glued to a care-taker is a normal survival instinct. I used my carrier to carry her and let her sleep on my chest.

Special times call for special treats: lots of cuddles, special toys, story time.

When my baby is sick she doesn't care so much for food other than breastmilk. So I nurse her as often as she wants, as long as she likes.

Getting as much sleep as possible during the day is easier when you spend time in bed together, playing, reading books. Even if she didn't sleep like she used to, lying down would help her rest a little.

To keep ourselves somewhat alive during this time of no sleep and lots of crying, Daddy and I took turns taking care of Savannah and tried to focus as much as possible on staying positive: It's only temporary!

Obviously these tips work for short-term illnesses but you may need a whole other set of skills for a child facing a chronic illness. Either way, seeing your child suffer is always heartbreaking and having others around to support you makes a huge difference! Turn to friends, family or the good old internet and accept all help with open arms!

 

 

 

 

 

Let Someone Help

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We live in a culture where independence and self-reliance are valued much more than cooperation or the ability to ask for help. But with that we not only make it more difficult for ourselves, we also limit the people around us. Being able to help a friend, a family member, someone in need, is a great boost to your mood and your feelings of self-worth.

So today I want to urge you to allow someone to help you, because it's a win-win situation. You get someone on your team helping you achieve what you want and you offer the other person the opportunity to feel and do good.

When your partner offers to cook you dinner, when your best friend asks to get you something for your birthday or when a colleague wants to take some work off your desk ... let them!
Remember how enjoyable it is to help someone? Why would you want to take that feeling away from the people that care about you? 
We often feel that accepting help is the same as admitting weakness or that it chips away at our independence. We don't want to be demanding, needy. 
An offer to help, however, is a chance to do something for someone else, too. See it that way and you may discover that you can exchange favors and grow closer instead of each trying to do everything on their own.

I'm in my third trimester and definitely need a bit of extra help. My husband has been great about helping me out, and my sincere appreciation and increased comfort makes it all worth it for him. It draws us closer in a time where it's really just my body going through these changes and the hubby can just see my belly grow but can't feel what I feel. This way we're already cooperating even though the baby is not born yet. It's a wonderful feeling for both of us.

Do you find it hard to let people help you? Do you offer to help others only to find they can't accept your help? Feel free to share below!

Worth Every Minute: Brain in Love

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, which isn't a really big deal to us since we're quite romantic most of the year. It is one of the only times a year, however, that I get flowers. I don't know why, but it just sort of worked out that way.
This year we decided that in the future we will celebrate this flower-day on February 15th or 16th to benefit from the post-Valentine discount.

So today I want to share some romance not inspired by Valentine's but by scientific research instead. The following link will lead to a TED talk on how our brain functions when we're in love and why romantic love is something to take very seriously!

Helen Fisher also shows why falling in love with someone who doesn't love you back only makes things worse, that animals do share the same feelings even if only for a second, and the difference between intimacy between women and men.

The video is 15 minutes, but worth every second! Interesting and entertaining. Enjoy!

Helen Fisher studies the brain in love

Ten 5-Minute Tips for a Happy Marriage

5 years ago ...

Today is our wedding anniversary. The 5th one already and probably the last one we'll be celebrating with just the two of us for a while. After this year, we'll have our little one with us, so we'll be making the most out of the time we have left.

Five years is not a very long stretch, but we have both already learned a lot during this time. We come from very different back-grounds and got married quickly and unexpectedly in order to be able to stay together. That meant we had to figure out some stuff along the way.

One of the reasons we are so happily married is that we love to do stuff for each other. Treating your partner doesn't have to take a lot of time or preparation.
Here are some of the things we have surprised each other with over the years:

1. Do a chore
   We both love to come home and find the place cleaner than we left it. Just a little clearing away can already make a big difference. It doesn't take much time, but the effect is very noticeable. My hubby loves coming home and finding the dishes are done, for example.
   
2. Leave a note
   Finding a note with a sweet message is always a lovely surprise. You can leave them at home or put them in between a book they're reading.
   
3. Give a back rub
   Especially a tense partner, but really anyone, enjoys the relaxing feeling of a massage. Just sneak up behind them and massage the shoulders and neck. It can make someone relax instantly and feel connected again even if they're mind is busy working over-time.
   
4. Bring a treat
   I love it when my husband brings home a chocolate muffin that I didn't expect, and vice versa. We don't do it too often, so it stays surprising.
   
5. Plan some together time
   When we are home together, it's sometimes easy to just each settle by ourselves (him in front of the computer, me doing my cross-stitch) and not take advantage of the time we have together. It's always nice when we make a plan to spend at least some time playing a game together or watching a movie. Be pro-active here and don't wait for your partner. If they are too busy, they'll let you know when you ask.
   
6. Prepare conversation topics
   It's not a sign of a bad relationship if you prepare topics to talk about. My husband and I can talk for hours without them, but we've learned a lot about each other by using a book with couple's questions and working our way through them. There are just so many topics that never get brought up in daily conversation.
   
7. Ask questions
   Communication is vital. Asking your partner questions about their day and their thoughts will make them feel like you really care. Pay attention to the answers and respond to them too. If they ask you something ("How was your day?") be sure to return the question too!
   
8. Say 'Thank You'
   Showing appreciation for what your partner does can make any task seem worthwhile. I wouldn't do the dishes, ever, if I thought my husband didn't care at all. Knowing he appreciates what I do makes me want to do it. It makes all the difference!
   
9. Bring up a fond memory
   You can use pictures or tell the story of a great time the two of you had together. "Remember when we..." It calls up all the feelings of that happy moment and brings them into the present moment. Using photo's and reminiscing about how different things were back then can show you both how far you've come and appreciate the time you've had together.
   
10. Cuddle, hug, kiss
    A hug out of nowhere is the best treat. It's warming, comforting, reassuring, and a great reminder of how loved you are. I've written about kissing before in this post. Want to know about the benefits of hugging? You can read this post too.

What do you do to surprise your partner? If you're single, what do you expect from a partner in a long-term relationship?
Every relationship is different, but there's something to learn from each of them. Use the comments to share anything you want!